FRAGMENTS: Rules of the Game, Pt. 1

You've got to have a wristband

1.     Don’t go in the water. Just don’t.

2.     Leave for the airport so that you arrive two hours earlier than recommended. What if you get stuck in traffic along the way? Or if public transport breaks down? Your entire trip could be ruined.

3.     Don’t fly. If you have to fly somewhere, the destination is too far. Be more modest and realistic in your goals.

4.     Never leave home without water, eyedrops, facial tissues, meds and painkillers, cash and credit cards, phone and charger, gloves, a scarf, and a hat. Anything can happen out there.

5.     Always be ready to protect your hearing with industrial-strength earplugs. Never be found without them. Even better, wear them all the time.

6.     Children should wear football helmets as soon as they wake up. The world conspires against their sweet faces. They can stop wearing them when they turn 16. No, make that 18. Better yet, 21. Actually, at least until they turn 30, unless their parents remain alive, in which case they should wait to stop wearing them until their parents die.

7.     Dogs should be seen and not heard, unless it’s that cute whinnying sound they make when they are dreaming of chasing rabbits.

8.     It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity. To be more precise, it’s the dewpoint. Once it creeps above 60, cancel all outdoor activities and remain inside in an air-conditioned building. Health insurance should not cover anyone who ventures outside when the dewpoint is 70 or higher. In that case, you’re just asking for trouble and you’re on your own.

9.     Critical thinking cannot be taught. It can only be inflicted upon young children through extensive use of irony, sarcasm, and litotes, preferably at their expense.

10.  Be here now.